The Illusion of Control

By Dr. Jennifer Bashant

Along with societal and social pressures, we hold ourselves to very high standards when it comes to our children. We feel responsible for how they behave…or misbehave. Quite often, we also feel judged and blamed by family, friends and school for our childrens’ challenging behavior. In general, when things feel out of control, we tend to react by clamping down or tightening up. This can be true in any area of life, but especially with regard to our children.

For example, when the house is a disaster and the kids are leaving messes everywhere and just walking away, we may clamp down by insisting that everyone must help clean the house right now!

When you work hard to prepare a nice dinner, and night after night your child refuses to eat what you made because he or she doesn’t like it, you may find yourself instituting a rule that requires at least one “no thank you” bite.

If homework is being avoided and consistently resulting in dramatic meltdowns, you may try to more closely control the situation by requiring homework to be done at a set time, in a certain place for a pre-determined duration.

Can you relate? I know I can! This is how I began my parenting role, but I learned very quickly that there were many adverse effects with this approach. First of all, it is an illusion to think that one can actually control another human being’s behavior. Trying to do so just leads to either using fear tactics, or using unpleasant consequences that keep getting more and more severe. Using fear and negative consequences don’t facilitate a positive, trusting relationship between you and your child, and they often lead to poor self-esteem.

You may be thinking, “Then what am I supposed to do when my child misbehaves….just let him get away with it?” Absolutely not. I want you to continue to have high (but realistic) expectations for your child, but I want you to get there a different way. I would like you to forget trying to get your child to do what you need him to do, and approach the problem as if you and your child are partners, working to solve the problem together – in a way that works for both of you!

When you approach a problem with a collaborative mindset, your child’s defenses will retreat because she will not feel like she is in trouble. She will feel heard and understood by you, and you may just learn something about her that you didn’t know. Your relationship will continue to strengthen, and communication will become more natural and more frequent. In addition, your child will be building very important life skills, such as being able to see another person’s perspective (empathy) and being able to come up with alternative solutions to a problem.

If you would like to give this collaborative approach a try, being curious about your child’s point of view of the problem is a great place to start. Ask some questions, and try to get clear about how she sees and experiences the situation. Listen attentively and let her know that you hear her. You will be amazed at what a difference this will make! Let me know how it goes!